[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

breeds Peruvian Paso horses, which are known for their smooth
gait and good temperament. We ve been told that these traits
have been reinforced through generations of breeding. This
is true of humans also. Your family has learned to survive via
some patterns of behavior that are useful, but only if you do not
have to operate through them or rebel against them.
For example, if you were raised in a family where people
worried, this way of relating to life will have been passed down
to you. This automatic tendency to worry may not be useful
Re c o g n i z i n g Hi d d e n Ag e n d a s
41
or productive or produce any satisfaction in your life, yet if you
are unaware of the familial inclination to be anxious, you will
personalize it and think that is has something to do with you.
Once you notice this predisposition, however, there is no need
to keep perpetually worrying or to fight against this habit.
With Instantaneous Transformation, the mere seeing of this
behavior pattern is enough to have it dissolve. With awareness,
this familial trait will lose its power over your life.
Friends of ours, Jed and Lena, had a child, Anna, a beauti-
ful, innocent baby, growing, absorbing, and learning from her
environment. We have known her parents for more than fifteen
years, and during this time we have also seen them grow. We
have seen their triumphs and their disappointments. Their life
experiences have included births in the family and the deaths
of loved ones. Lena has a particular facial expression when she
is upset and crying. Her chin quivers, her lower lip sticks out
of its own accord, and these traits make her sadness or upset
an endearing, sympathetic picture. When Lena cries, one is
compelled to take notice and be sensitive and caring. Well,
guess what? The day she was born, Anna, who had never seen
her mother cry, had a miniature version of the quivering chin
and protruding lip. She didn t  learn this behavior from her
mother. It was a preset survival tool that she has in her genetic
toolbox of survival techniques.
TINY TEARS
For an infant, crying is a way of communication, but as an adult
in a relationship, it can be an annoying habit that individuals
use in an attempt to avoid conflict. We have seen both men and
women cry in an instant as a way to gain sympathy.
There once was a doll called Tiny Tears. It was a favorite
of young girls who got to practice being mommies and com-
forting the baby when it cried. We had a young client, Tina,
who cried whenever she was on the spot. At work, the crying
Ho w t o Cr e at e a Magi c al Re l at i o ns hi p
42
mechanism would turn on if she thought she was going to be
given input by her boss. With her boyfriend, it was hard to
have a serious conversation without the tears turning on. Her
crying was as mechanical as it was for the Tiny Tears doll. If the
circumstances applied a little pressure, her eyes would well up,
whether she wanted them to or not. And Tina hated the crying.
She was embarrassed at work and at home. It was a case of the
First Principle of Instantaneous Transformation all over again.
The more she tried to avoid crying, the more she was provoked
to cry (First Principle). When Tina brought awareness to her
situation, she realized that she could only be crying when she
was crying (Second Principle). As Tina began to let herself be
teary without judging herself for it, the tears became less auto-
matic (Third Principle). Tina also took one other important
step. She told herself the truth that sometimes she used her
tears as a tool to gain sympathy. When she was young, crying
was a ploy that kept her parents from punishing her. It was hard
to be strict with someone who was already punishing herself so
harshly. Crying her way out of diffi cult situations had become
a way of life. The problem was that this way of relating did not
support a functional relationship with her boyfriend nor sup-
port her advancing in her job and having a sense of well-being
in her life. With awareness, the courage to tell the truth, and
application of the Three Principles of Instantaneous Transfor-
mation, the tears became a thing of the past.
WHAT IS LOVE?
After Becky and Jake were married, Becky continued with
one of Jake s family traditions by making chicken soup every
Friday evening. However, try as she might, Jake would always
say,  Becky, your soup is very good, but it s not as good as my
mother s.
So Becky bought the best ingredients, changed the spices,
tried with more vegetables, and still heard,  Thank you for
Re c o g n i z i n g Hi d d e n Ag e n d a s
43
making me this soup. If only it were as good as my mother
used to make.
One Friday afternoon, Becky went down to the basement
to take the clothes out of the washer and put them into the
dryer when she discovered that the washing machine had over-
fl owed and there was a tide of sudsy water covering the floor.
By the time Becky got the mess cleaned up and returned back
upstairs, she realized that the soup was burnt.
Frantic because it was too late to get another chicken and
start over, Becky set the table and decided to serve the soup
anyway and hope for the best. When Jake got home and sat
down to eat, she placed a bowl in front of him and returned to
the kitchen for bread.
 Becky, get in here! Jake bellowed.
Cringing, she returned.
 Becky, this soup. Finally, it s just like my mother s!
When you are looking for a loving partner, you may
automatically have a hidden agenda to look for the things you
experienced as a child that you associated with love, even if
they are not necessarily things that you would want in a part-
ner from an adult perspective.
Like with the chicken soup analogy, you may pick a partner
with the same attributes that you saw in your fi rst love, your
mother or father. If so, you will look for a man or a woman who
embodies those old familiar ways of being or relating, even if,
in truth, they are not something you as an adult would prefer.
A child s mind is not discerning. Love from a parent can
come with extras attached, such as anger, frustration, etc. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]